EightHundred Dollars
by Kitten Kisses
Summary: FE7. A parody of a joke. Hector, Lyndis. With a special appearance by Legault.


Based on something I heard at work last week. This is humor for a reason, folks. If I were writing this seriously, you would all be in deep trouble. As would I, but that's beside the point.

Disclaimer: The rabid monkeys will eat my face if I said yes...so... NO.

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Once upon a time, in an apartment building that isn't close enough, there lived a young married couple. Lyndis and Hector were a lot like any other newlywed couple— they were in love…

Of course, the arguing was a bonus.

And so was the screaming, not to mention the throwing of random objects.

But assuredly, they loved each other very much.

They lived in a nice, two-bedroom apartment with the regular boring carpet, and the annoying "No Pets" rule. Though, Hector had never considered mice and rats pets. Just good, ever-mooching friends. Very dirty, disgusting, flea-covered and furry friends.

And, of course, the apartment rules did not say that letting rodents loose to run through the walls was a breach of contract, or anything.

And it gave Hector the chance to play the hero in the middle of the night, when his beloved would scream her battle cry. But he would never tell her that he thought she screamed like a man charging through the enemies' front line. Instead, he would simply hold her close, and tell her that he would make the sounds stop, and that he would always be there to take care of her.

And he would hide a wink to the corner where the rats chortled in a chorus. Or rather, they would scamper away so that Hector could continue his act of heroism.

One particularly beautiful day… Hector was pulling his clothes together so that he could hop into the shower. It was a sunny, warm Monday morning, and he wanted to make it to work on time…for probably the first time ever.

Everyone has to break a record some time, after all.

The blue-haired man only wished that he could be in the shower _now_, but… unfortunately; Lyndis had made her way to the warm steamy goodness of the bathroom before him. He would love to just bust in there and jump into the shower _with_ his lovely wife, but work was calling, and he didn't want to go to work and get those "Are you happy to see me" jokes again.

Eight times in one week was bad enough. He wasn't shooting for a record.

Then again…a little romp on the shower floor would be a lot of…_fun_… Maybe he could skip work and…

He sighed heavily. It was helpless. He had to work, or they would be living in that cardboard box that Sain and Serra were currently inhabiting. Making love every other minute made it hard to hold down a job, after all…

But geesh… There was a particular part of him that was trying to move to the bathroom shower on its own. This was bad…very, very bad… He needed the shower _now_, and, if he wanted to make it to work on _time for once_, he needed the temperature cranked as low as he could get it to go.

Though, jumping on Lyn for a few hours would ease some of that tension…

'_No! No! I can't think of that...! Not now! I have work to…Mmm…sounds good…'_

He knew he was helpless. But he didn't want to end up like Sain and Serra either. Though, to be honest, it would be better to be them then to be their next-door neighbor who never had anyone, and who was always asking for _something_.

And, of course, Rath, who probably never got _any._

He almost felt sorry for that guy.

_Almost_.

Because Lyndis was just…great. In every way, shape, and form.

Mmm…shape. Form…

Sexy…

He looked through the dirt-streaked windows, dreaming about his lovely woman lying on their bed, her hair spread out around her…

"Uh…Lyn? Are you done, yet?" he half-grunted, shifting his way toward the bathroom door. "I need…to get to …work."

"Is it that late already?" she asked, her voice half-muffled from the steamy fog coming from the shower. "I'll be _right_ out, dear."

Hector half-smiled. He wanted to just…jump her… but then again, he wanted to dive into a lake of cold water so that he wouldn't be ridiculed at work…again. All of those sexual jokes were annoying.

He didn't _always_ think of sex.

Just…most of the time.

The other percent included kissing and doing other things. But not the actual act of sex.

He heard the door open, and he looked over to see Lyn standing in front of him with only a towel covering her best features.

'_First jump, then hump, and…ask questions later!'_

Then again…questions were…so silly and trivial. _'Maybe I should just lick and coddle, first…and then jump and hump…and lastly… take the day off to make love!'_

He could almost picture good ole Oswin's face when he called…

"Hey, Oswin… yeah, whatever, fine. Oswin-san, then. Yeah, I can't…uh…make it to work… Again, yeah, I know. The fifteenth time this month… but… yeah, I have to have sex today or I'll die. Sorry."

Oswin would _die_.

And he would lose his job…hmm…a tough one. Next to cleaning the house, this decision was the hardest he'd ever had to make.

He shook his head, ridding himself of the stupid look plastered to his face.

'_Work…work…work…wor—SEX!'_

He started ripping his clothes off, while Lyndis stood there, staring in awe. She probably hadn't seen anyone rid themselves of their pajamas so quickly!

His shirt and pants were on the floor, and now…it was only his boxers… he started to peel them off, but then…

_Knock, knock, knock…_

He wanted to cry. Who could be coming to the door at _this_ time of day? Forget it was half-past noon! He grumbled, vaguely noticing that there was…well…no _way_ he would answer the door in his…condition.

He half-growled, half-grunted and moved toward the shower. "Lyn…could you _please_ get that… I'm having some…er…problems. He tilted his head downward.

She grinned slyly at him, and gave his backside a pat. "I'll put a robe on and meet you in the shower in a few minutes, darling…" She trailed off, winking as she dropped the towel to pull on a forest-green satin robe.

Hector nearly died as he forced himself to head for that warm, steamy, hot…shower…

'_Only a few minutes…' _he tried to tell himself…but a certain part of him…didn't want to wait.

Lyndis slowly pulled open their apartment door, her eyebrows raised. Their only regular visitors were Sain and Serra, usually asking for food of some kind…since, yeah. She almost felt sorry for them and their box. Especially when it rained.

She certainly hadn't expected to find their next-door neighbor…Legault standing there.

His eyebrows flew up so far, she thought they'd fall to the floor and start break-dancing.

"Well, well…Lyndis…" he grinned. "How're you doing?"

"Okay…" she answered, pulling her robe a little closer.

He cocked his head to the side. "You look like you're doing more than merely _okay…_"

She blushed deeply. "Oh. Uhmm…yes…Well…I have some…uh… Hey _wait!_ Why are you here, anyway?" Glaring at him, she put her hand on her doorknob.

"Ahh… I nearly forgot." He looked her up and down quickly. "Hey, I'll give you $800, _in cash_, if you drop your robe right now."

"What!" she nearly screeched. "What kind of question is-!"

He shrugged. "Take it or leave it," he said nonchalantly. "It's your loss if you don't do it."

Her thoughts whirled. _'I could use this money to go and buy some rat poison!'_ she thought, smirking to herself. _'A life's supply, even! Or, a plane ticket to go and see Florina… It's been so long since I last saw her… ahhh…high school memories...'_

It didn't take her long to let the robe drop to the ground. Legault looked her up and down slowly, taking in every curve, every…well, everything.

Lyn hoped that nobody else was lurking in the halls outside their door.

He nodded, and handed her a large wad of cash. "Nice doing business with you, Lyn," he chuckled, making his way across the hall and through his apartment door.

She stared in shock after him, eventually remembering to close her door… after…uh… Guy had walked by, staring in utter confusion. But Hector didn't need to know that the other man had seen her. Either one of the men, anyway.

He liked to think she was all his in every way. Not that she minded, of course!

After counting the money, she pulled her robe back on, shaking her head. Eight-hundred dollars in _cash_; and all she had to do was drop her robe!

Now, back to that shower again. It was getting hot…

She creaked open the bathroom door to see Hector practically holding himself on the edge of the tub. She smiled at him seductively, and slowly pulled her robe off, sidling up next to him.

Poor Hector could barely contain himself as he launched them both into the warm steamy bathtub. "So, Lyn, who was that?" he asked, trailing kisses down her neck.

"Oh…mmm…" she mumbled, trying to move closer to him. "It was only Legault… But you're a _lot_ more interesting than _him_…

"Ahh…ohh…" he started to moan, letting his hands meander. "Did he say anything to you about that $800 he owes me, by any chance?"

Owari-

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Oh yes, baby. _The_ _End_. This was so much _fun_. I need to write more of these, or something. Based on a joke I heard at work the other day. The idea catapulted itself into my brain and I had to write it.

KK

PS. Review or I'll ...make harmless threats. Yeah.


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